NEW YORK—In an effort to minimize the risk of traumatic brain injury, a new NFL safety rule going into effect Friday will require all players to be careful. “As part of the NFL’s ongoing effort to ensure players are as safe as possible, they will now all be obligated to watch it out there,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that players not taking it easy would be subject to a fine as well as a mandatory four-game suspension. “Football can be a little physical sometimes, so we want all players to just exercise some caution when blocking, tackling, or doing pretty much anything on the field. When it comes to safety, we’re really all on the same team.” At press time, the number of players suffering from concussions had dropped to nearly zero.
— The Onion, December 8, 2107
With audience numbers continuing to decline in the 2017 season, Onion Sports examines how the NFL can improve television ratings.
Crack down on low-quality, copycat Thursday Night Football games that steal viewers and tarnish reputation of real professional football games
Take advantage of strange new world called “cyberspace” that allows “surfers” to “stream” videos directly onto devices called “personal laptop computers”
Streamline game-day broadcasts by eliminating extraneous commercials, NFC North
Increase jostling, pushing by 60 percent
Crack down on player protests by solving racial inequality and eliminating police brutality
Explore the possibility of building some kind of connection between the currently completely separate worlds of football and gambling
Boost drama with steamier in-game romance plot lines
Clear helmets to improve player visibility
Reduce human error plaguing the league by implementing a robot commissioner
Keep lying about how bad concussions really are
Encourage viewers to come back each week by ending broadcasts with two-minute warning cliffhanger
The Onion, November 30, 2017
The Onion, December 7, 2017
NEW YORK—Warning that they should no longer be viewed as a meek and harmless franchise, sources confirmed Monday that the New York Giants are likely to acquire powerful offensive weapons within the next five years. “The Giants may seem insignificant now, but if they are allowed to go unchecked, they could become one of the most dangerous teams in the league by 2022,” said NFL scout Todd Sandberg, adding the mounting evidence suggests the Giants have the technical skills and sources to eventually develop an explosive running back and could one day become a multi-dimensional threat. “They’re weak now, but ambitious, and we have every reason to believe they will not stop until taken seriously. Nobody really knows what they’re thinking and that is dangerous.” Sandberg emphasized that the quest to acquire offensive weapons could be accelerated by the team’s impending regime change.
— The Onion, October 27, 2017