FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring fans and reporters that his football career was far from over, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady revealed Wednesday that humanity would perish long before he retires. “You can’t take anything for granted in the NFL, but I’m taking care of my body, and I plan to keep playing football for at least a few more years after all human civilization lies in ruins,” said Brady, adding that New England fans can expect him to appear on the field every Sunday until long after all traces of mankind’s accomplishments have faded to dust. “Football is my life, and I’ve been eating clean to make sure I can play at the highest level well into the next geologic era. I know I’m 40 years old, and people are talking about my successor, but I promise that your cities will be overgrown graveyards for countless millennia before I hang up my cleats.” Brady did admit that he was concerned about his throwing shoulder holding up against the pressure of the universe’s eventual heat death.
— The Onion, April 25, 2018
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of providing young people with the skills they need to make good decisions as they mature into adulthood, Vice President Mike Pence held a press conference Thursday to unveil a new campaign educating teens about the dangers of premarital eye contact. “This new initiative will teach our nation’s teenagers the importance of waiting until marriage before looking their partner directly in the eyes,” said Pence, adding that the $75 million “No Peeking”—also known as “Save Your Gaze For Marriage”—campaign will help students resist the social pressure to share glances they often feel long before they’re ready to be joined for life in holy matrimony. “Thanks to the encroaching secular influence of TV, the movies, and, for all we know, the internet as well, today’s young people are constantly bombarded with images of people gazing shamelessly at each other—sometimes even making prolonged eye contact with more than one person. This program encourages them to abstain from that behavior by focusing their eyes on safe alternatives, such as the floor, the middle distance, or a bible passage of their choosing.” Pence also promised that high school students would feel far greater satisfaction by waiting until their wedding night to learn their spouse’s eye color.
— The Onion, April 27, 2018
BETHESDA, MD—In an alarming new study that sheds light on the hidden dangers of the popular protein, the National Institutes of Health warned Thursday that beef may serve as a gateway meat that eventually leads those who eat it to try human flesh.
Behavioral scientists at the government agency reported that a comprehensive, nationwide survey of vegetarians, casual meat-eaters, and cannibals found that people who consume even a few grams of ground beef on a weekly basis show an increased chance of one day spiraling down a path of more extreme meats until they eventually wind up sinking their teeth into a man’s arm and devouring every last tendon and ligament.
“The next thing they know, they’re crouched behind a dumpster sucking the bone marrow out of a UPS driver’s femur,” he continued. “By that point, it’s too late. They’re a full-blown cannibal.”
The NIH study concluded that consuming cow proteins changes the chemical makeup of carnivores’ brains and can lead to erratic behaviors, such as running out to the grocery store, buying six T-bone steaks, and eating them raw in the parking lot. Many heavy beef eaters told researchers their first encounter with human flesh came when they were hanging out with friends and someone passed around a severed finger, offering them a bite.
Once hooked on the more potent human blend of muscle and fat, people reportedly go to ever-greater lengths to obtain it. Many have been known to break into morgues in the middle of the night to get their fix, often waking up with a pile of bones under their bed and lying about how it got there. According to the study, this soon isn’t enough to feed their habit, and within a month or two, they may resort to shoving a stranger into the trunk of their car, frantically driving home, and then ripping out the person’s jugular with their bare teeth.
“While the U.S. Department of Agriculture regulates the farming and sale of beef, it has rarely studied the links between this meat and cannibalism,” said Brewer, who admitted that for some people it was possible to hold down a steady job and maintain healthy relationships while occasionally partaking in chili or meatloaf. “What industry leaders fail to recognize is that for a certain percentage of the population, a hearty helping of beef brisket is a slippery slope toward slurping down a neighbor’s intestines like spaghetti.”
“What starts out as just eating a couple tacos with your buddies can ruin your life,” Brewer added.
Many Americans who have suffered the devastating effects of cannibalism firsthand have argued that more should be done to curb beef-eating, especially among young people.
“I grew up around steak,” recovered cannibal Rob Fletcher told reporters, saying he realized he had hit rock bottom when police officers found him in a park on all fours, his face buried in the cracked-open ribcage of a freshly killed jogger. “When I was in high school, my parents didn’t care if my friends and I messed around with barbecue, as long as we kept it inside the house.”
“Then one night, I was out grilling burgers at this party when my buddy pulled out a child’s bicep, chopped it up with a machete, and told me to try a piece,” Fletcher continued. “I told myself I’d never do something like this, but I put a chunk of it in my mouth, and it was amazing. As soon as I tasted it, I knew I needed to eat more, and within six months, the only thing I cared about was stalking and butchering my next victim.”
— The Onion, April 16, 2018
WASHINGTON—Ending any speculation over whether he would submit to questioning on the subject, lawyers representing President Trump confirmed Wednesday he is willing to clear up any concerns that talk show host Sean Hannity may have about his 2016 campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia. “The president has expressed to us that he is fully committed to cooperating with Mr. Hannity on all aspects of the Russia issue,” said White House attorney Ty Cobb, adding that his client looks forward to speaking with the Fox News anchor on the record and, furthermore, is not the least bit worried about the revelations that will result from Hannity’s line of inquiry. “Whether the questions are about why Mr. Trump, as a candidate, had no reason to collude, or how Hillary Clinton has done much worse, the president is ready to provide complete and detailed responses. He understands the level of accountability to which he will be held by a person in Mr. Hannity’s position, and he is entirely prepared for it.” Cobb went on to express confidence that Hannity will ultimately conclude the president has engaged in no wrongdoing.
— The Onion, January 31, 2018
INDIO, Calif. — President Trump’s original January 2017 administration lineup will reunite for this year’s Coachella music & arts festival, according to a press release from officials.
“It’s a bit last-minute, but we wanted to make sure we had all the pieces in place before we said anything,” said Goldenvoice representative Troy Watson. “[Former White House Chief of Staff] Reince Priebus came to us about getting the gang back together for one last policy discussion. We were skeptical — we knew how volatile their time together was — but he assured us he could get it done.”
Priebus reportedly worked tirelessly to make the reunion happen.
“As is often the case with high-profile reunions, several bruised egos needed to be massaged for this to go,” said Priebus. “Some of us had left the group voluntarily… like former Economic Advisor Gary Cohn, who disagreed with Trump’s stance on steel tariffs. But others, like Rex Tillerson, were forced out. Ol’ Rexy will definitely [be tough on you if you make him angry]; we all remember when he called Trump a ‘moron.’ Getting him on board was tough.”
Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was another hold out who ultimately came aboard.
“I was in, but then they went out and got [Anthony] Scaramucci, which really [made me angry},” said Spicer from his converted VW Bus. “That dude came in late and was a complete [block]head the entire time, but fans want to see the Mooch yell about ‘[rooster] blocking’ and ‘[sampling] your own [rooster].’ I get that.”
Fans are largely enthusiastic about the reunion.
“Sure, the administration can still approximate that blend of ineptitude and corruption with a bunch of hired guns, but there was a certain magic in that original line-up,” said Rebecca Flemming, who plans to attend. “It’ll be great to see Mike Flynn again — this could be his last reunion before jail time.”
Steve Bannon, the remaining hold out, was reportedly able to get someone to cover his shift at the Marietta dog pound, where he donates eight hours each day euthanizing small dogs.
— From the bowdlerized edition [KJV)] of Hard Times, April 8, 2018