MIAMI—Affirming his commitment to field the best possible lineup, Miami Marlins owner and CEO Derek Jeter denied tanking allegations this week after the team fielded just four players in a loss to the Phillies. “I know people aren’t happy with our performance, but just because we didn’t have a shortstop, second baseman, third baseman, right fielder, or left fielder playing last night doesn’t mean we aren’t trying to compete every game,” said Jeter, who promised that having a one-man rotation after cutting and trading away every other pitcher on the roster gives the Marlins the best chance to win. “I expect this team to contend—I don’t care if we haven’t held a single practice or team workout in the past four months. All 16 remaining Marlins employees are working hard for the success of this franchise.” Jeter added that the recent decision to replace Don Mattingly with a dry-erase board had nothing to do with saving money.
— The Onion, May 7, 2018
SANTA FE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Ohio resident Erica Webb, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
— The Onion, May 18, 2018
NEW YORK—Noting that the former New York mayor has “got a real nice life going here” and that “it would be a shame to ruin it for no good reason,” a mysterious man reportedly approached Rudy Giuliani in a parking lot Thursday, strongly implying that he should never speak publically concerning Trump’s legal payments again. “Hey, Rudy, listen, that was maybe a pretty silly thing you did, going and mouthing off about Mr. Trump’s finances like that. I hear bad things happen to people who make a habit of that sorta thing,” said the trench-coated man who complimented Giuliani on his beautiful Mercedes and remarked on how funny it is that people who drive them fancy cars seem to have a high mortality rate when they don’t act smart. “You stay off those cable news programs, see? All that high-voltage lighting equipment, all that stuff to trip over in the whaddacallit, the studio, could be a real health hazard. Nobody wants that, right? But, all due respect, Mr. Mayor, sometimes people who wonder about why Mr. Trump fired Comey and then talk about it in front of millions of Americans, well—they get preoccupied, they get so they don’t pay attention, they get in all these accidents. Hudson River’s awful cold this time of year, know what I’m sayin’?” At press time, the mysterious individual told Giuliani that he could make it up to Mr. Trump while handing the former mayor a .44 Magnum and a list of FBI agents.
— The Onion, May 3, 2018
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring fans and reporters that his football career was far from over, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady revealed Wednesday that humanity would perish long before he retires. “You can’t take anything for granted in the NFL, but I’m taking care of my body, and I plan to keep playing football for at least a few more years after all human civilization lies in ruins,” said Brady, adding that New England fans can expect him to appear on the field every Sunday until long after all traces of mankind’s accomplishments have faded to dust. “Football is my life, and I’ve been eating clean to make sure I can play at the highest level well into the next geologic era. I know I’m 40 years old, and people are talking about my successor, but I promise that your cities will be overgrown graveyards for countless millennia before I hang up my cleats.” Brady did admit that he was concerned about his throwing shoulder holding up against the pressure of the universe’s eventual heat death.
— The Onion, April 25, 2018
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of providing young people with the skills they need to make good decisions as they mature into adulthood, Vice President Mike Pence held a press conference Thursday to unveil a new campaign educating teens about the dangers of premarital eye contact. “This new initiative will teach our nation’s teenagers the importance of waiting until marriage before looking their partner directly in the eyes,” said Pence, adding that the $75 million “No Peeking”—also known as “Save Your Gaze For Marriage”—campaign will help students resist the social pressure to share glances they often feel long before they’re ready to be joined for life in holy matrimony. “Thanks to the encroaching secular influence of TV, the movies, and, for all we know, the internet as well, today’s young people are constantly bombarded with images of people gazing shamelessly at each other—sometimes even making prolonged eye contact with more than one person. This program encourages them to abstain from that behavior by focusing their eyes on safe alternatives, such as the floor, the middle distance, or a bible passage of their choosing.” Pence also promised that high school students would feel far greater satisfaction by waiting until their wedding night to learn their spouse’s eye color.
— The Onion, April 27, 2018