HAVERHILL, MA—Doing his best to mask his disappointment that the package didn’t contain the cable-knit cashmere sweater he’d had his heart set on, local child Max Campbell reportedly spared his uncle’s feelings Friday by pretending to like the Xbox One X he received as a gift. “Thanks, Uncle Joe, I’ll definitely get a lot of use out of this,” said the 9-year-old who sources said had earnestly been hoping for a new pair of Dockers and a versatile button-down Oxford. “Oh, you can play 4K Blu-Rays on it too? That’s pretty cool, I guess.” At press time, a crestfallen Campbell was reportedly forcing a smile after tearing open a second, smaller present from his uncle to reveal a copy of Fallout 4 instead of quilted leather racing gloves.
— The Onion, December 22, 2017
NEW YORK—In an effort to minimize the risk of traumatic brain injury, a new NFL safety rule going into effect Friday will require all players to be careful. “As part of the NFL’s ongoing effort to ensure players are as safe as possible, they will now all be obligated to watch it out there,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that players not taking it easy would be subject to a fine as well as a mandatory four-game suspension. “Football can be a little physical sometimes, so we want all players to just exercise some caution when blocking, tackling, or doing pretty much anything on the field. When it comes to safety, we’re really all on the same team.” At press time, the number of players suffering from concussions had dropped to nearly zero.
— The Onion, December 8, 2107
With audience numbers continuing to decline in the 2017 season, Onion Sports examines how the NFL can improve television ratings.
Crack down on low-quality, copycat Thursday Night Football games that steal viewers and tarnish reputation of real professional football games
Take advantage of strange new world called “cyberspace” that allows “surfers” to “stream” videos directly onto devices called “personal laptop computers”
Streamline game-day broadcasts by eliminating extraneous commercials, NFC North
Increase jostling, pushing by 60 percent
Crack down on player protests by solving racial inequality and eliminating police brutality
Explore the possibility of building some kind of connection between the currently completely separate worlds of football and gambling
Boost drama with steamier in-game romance plot lines
Clear helmets to improve player visibility
Reduce human error plaguing the league by implementing a robot commissioner
Keep lying about how bad concussions really are
Encourage viewers to come back each week by ending broadcasts with two-minute warning cliffhanger
The Onion, November 30, 2017
The Onion, December 7, 2017