WASHINGTON—Proclaiming that the government’s rescue efforts have brought several U.S. citizens into the world, the White House announced Monday that the official Hurricane Florence death toll had been raised to -17. “Thanks to President Trump’s incredible hurricane response team, the population of North and South Carolina is actually skyrocketing, with over a dozen people being born, spontaneously generating, or being resurrected,” said White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, adding that despite 90-mph winds and 7-foot flood zones, FEMA and the National Guard had found several newborns, clones, and reincarnated individuals nearly every hour on the hour. “Not only have zero American citizens died during this record-breaking storm, but over the past few days alone, workers have also located a number of missing people, including many Puerto Ricans who were declared missing or dead during Hurricane Maria. As the storm continues to move up the coast, we can only pray that many, many more Americans are created in the wreckage.” At press time, Sanders emphasized that President Obama had never once bothered to spontaneously generate life during his presidency, let alone during a Category 1 hurricane.
— The Onion, September 17, 2018