White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17

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WASHINGTON—Proclaiming that the government’s rescue efforts have brought several U.S. citizens into the world, the White House announced Monday that the official Hurricane Florence death toll had been raised to -17. “Thanks to President Trump’s incredible hurricane response team, the population of North and South Carolina is actually skyrocketing, with over a dozen people being born, spontaneously generating, or being resurrected,” said White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, adding that despite 90-mph winds and 7-foot flood zones, FEMA and the National Guard had found several newborns, clones, and reincarnated individuals nearly every hour on the hour. “Not only have zero American citizens died during this record-breaking storm, but over the past few days alone, workers have also located a number of missing people, including many Puerto Ricans who were declared missing or dead during Hurricane Maria. As the storm continues to move up the coast, we can only pray that many, many more Americans are created in the wreckage.” At press time, Sanders emphasized that President Obama had never once bothered to spontaneously generate life during his presidency, let alone during a Category 1 hurricane.

The Onion, September 17, 2018

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Protected: If We Can Keep It

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Protected: New Mexico Tech in the Hot Seat

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Protected: Oil and Gas makes its case to the Sandoval County and Planning and Zoning Commissioners

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Bill Belichick Announces This Is The Final Season He Will Coach In Current Mortal Form

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FOXBORO, MA—Admitting the demands of the NFL season have worn down his temporary corporeal body, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick announced Tuesday that the upcoming season would be the last he will coach in his current mortal form. “Whether we win the Lombardi trophy or not, this will be the last season I coach while shackled to this weak, decaying sack of skin and blood,” said Belichick, who claimed that he will destroy his pathetic and degrading human form only to emerge a more terrible, potent, and destructive being than any coach or player could possibly imagine. “I just don’t think I have it in me to go another season beholden to the frail, temporary form that you weaklings inhabit. This body can no longer contain my power. Soon, humanity will see the true Bill Belichick, and they will weep with joy and terror as I run rampant across the NFL.” Belichick added that the coming of his true and final form shall usher in the prophesized thousand-year reign of the golden boy over all of football.

The Onion, August 18, 2018

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