Donald Trump Jr. Divorce Leaves Confused, Heartbroken Nation Wondering Why Bad Things Happen To Good People


WASHINGTON—Lamenting that even the purest hearts were fated to be broken, the confused and anguished U.S. populace was struggling Friday with the question of why bad things happen to good people following the news that Vanessa Trump filed for divorce from Donald Trump Jr. earlier this week. “How could this happen to our Don, sweet Don Jr., of all people? He’s kind, thoughtful, warm, caring, and compassionate—He doesn’t deserve this,” said the visibly distressed nation, wiping away hot tears brought on by contemplating the fundamental injustice of a world in which ill fortune befalls those who love so completely and selflessly. “This is such a blow to that whole generous, caring family, those angels dwelling among us, those who gave themselves to us all and asked for nothing in return. The searing pain of heartbreak must be a thousand times worse for hearts as pure as Don’s and Vanessa’s. If only we could take their agonies upon ourselves and spare the Trumps this soul-deep anguish!” As of press time, the saddened American populace had let the couple know they were there for them if needed, just as Don Jr. and Vanessa had always been for them.

The Onion, March 16, 2018

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Idea Of Doing Nothing Until Next Mass Shooting Quickly Gaining Traction In Congress


WASHINGTON—In the wake of the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting that left 17 dead and 14 injured, sources confirmed Wednesday that the idea of doing absolutely nothing until the next mass shooting is gaining considerable traction in Congress. “After the recent tragedies, lawmakers have shown a great deal of interest in a proposal that’s been circulating to sit back and do jack [redacted] until the next entirely preventable massacre goes down on U.S. soil,” sources said of the legislators’ plan to twiddle their thumbs while the next unhinged lunatic effortlessly purchases an AR-15 before firing it indiscriminately in what could be either a crowded mall, a movie theater, an airport, or even another school. “As soon as the Parkland shooting happened, party leaders banded together, declared ‘Enough is enough,’ and immediately began formulating a way to talk out of their [redacted] via their social media accounts while doing nothing to create, strengthen, or better enforce basic gun laws. This measure to squander their unique opportunity to pass legislation that puts an end to the maddening cycle of gun violence is very popular right now, and will likely continue to be championed until the next group of innocent men, women, and children are brutally slaughtered.” Sources added that the plan has a high chance of surviving, as it has the full support of the NRA.

— The Onion, February 28, 2018

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Flustered Father Struggling To Answer All Of Son’s Questions About What Catch Is


ALBANY, NY—Feeling completely unprepared for such a difficult conversation, local father Michael Dorgan was reportedly struggling Monday to answer all his son’s questions about what a catch is. “God, this so awkward, he was watching the Super Bowl last night, and now he has so many questions and I can’t describe how it works,” said Dorgan, who admitted to stammering his way through an uncomfortable 10-minute explanation of what a football move is. “I tried bringing out a football to show him what maintaining possession means, but I think it just confused him more. And there was this painful silence after he asked about controlling the ball long enough to become a runner. How do you explain something as complicated and mysterious as that to your son? I wish he just asked his mother.” Dorgan added that something as important and complicated as what a catch is should definitely be taught in school.

— The Onion, February 5, 2018

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Sensible Gun Reform: Florida Will Now Require Anyone Carrying Out A School Shooting To Be Accompanied By A Therapist To Ensure They’re Not Mentally Ill

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Sadly, many students and teachers in America today live in constant fear that their school could someday be attacked by a deranged gunman. But after the deadly shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, Florida lawmakers have finally stepped up to pass legislation that will protect students in their state from experiencing a similar nightmare: Florida is now requiring anyone carrying out a school shooting to be accompanied by a therapist to ensure they’re not mentally ill.

Thank God. With this regulation in place, the possibility of a troubled person using a gun to carry out horrific violence will no longer be a daily concern for Florida’s schoolchildren.

According to the new gun safety regulations, anyone who opens fire on students, teachers, or staff at a Florida school must now be chaperoned by a licensed counselor, who will periodically administer an array of verbal and visual tests to the shooter to confirm that he or she is not experiencing symptoms of any psychiatric disorder recognized by the DSM-5 for the duration of the armed rampage. The therapist accompanying the shooter will be required by law to stay at his side for the duration of the attack and to monitor him from the moment he opens fire on his classmates and teachers to the moment he turns his gun on his final victim.

If at any point while firing on their classmates, the active shooter exhibits symptoms of psychosis, bipolar disorder, ADHD, or any other form of mental illness, the therapist will be legally obligated to report the ongoing massacre to both local police and the FBI, who will begin taking steps to neutralize the situation and to ensure the unstable shooter no longer has access to firearms.

Well done, Florida. This is commonsense gun reform at its best.

“We all know how dangerous it can be if a mentally ill person gets their hands on a firearm, so from now on, we will do everything we can to make sure any Florida resident who decides to use a gun to murder children inside a school is of sound mind,” explained Florida Governor Rick Scott. “We are confident that having mental health professionals present for all future school shootings will help us ensure that anyone carrying out a school shooting in the future is able to pass a psychiatric background check.”

This is incredible news. After the horrifying bloodshed of the Parkland shooting, it’s inspiring to see government officials work so hard to give students and parents some much-needed peace of mind. In a country where gun violence has become an epidemic, this is the kind of sensible problem-solving we need. Let’s hope this legislation finds its way to other states to help keep American children safe from the unhinged people who could potentially hurt them.

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Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb


WASHINGTON—Noting that the resignation of Hope Hicks as White House communications director marked the ouster of the third top administration official in less than two weeks, a worried populace told reporters Monday that it was unsure how many former Trump staffers it could safely reabsorb. “Jesus, we can’t just take back these [trump]holes all at once—we need time to process one before we get the next,” said 53-year-old Gregory Birch of Naperville, IL, echoing the concerns of 323 million Americans in also noting that the country was only now truly beginning to reintegrate former national security advisor Michael Flynn. “This is just not sustainable. I’d say we can handle maybe one or two more former members of Trump’s inner circle over the remainder of the year, but that’s it. This country has its limits.” At press time, the American populace was wearily hoping it had even 48 hours before it had to figure out how to take back Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

— The Onion, March 2, 2018

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Researchers Find Decline In Facebook Use Could Be Directly Linked To Desire To Be Happy, Fully Functioning Person

BERKELEY, CA—Researchers at University of California-Berkeley discovered Friday that a reduction in Facebook use could be directly linked to one’s desire to be a happy and fully functioning person. “Our data indicate that there may, in fact, be a relationship between yearning to be a self-realized human who enjoys being with other people in the real world and not spending every waking minute on artificial, once-removed social-interaction venues such as Facebook,” said lead scientist Dr. Charles Jennings, explaining that those who logged even marginally less time on the site displayed greater interest in performing basic physical activities, at least occasionally left their homes, and developed more meaningful relationships with others. “Furthermore, the vast majority of subjects did not miss ignoring others to bury their faces in their phones, endlessly obsessing over their public image, or mindlessly scrolling through a timeline in an attempt to fill a perceived void in their lives. Instead, most generally preferred things like experiencing the outside world, sleeping regularly, and allowing themselves the full range of human emotion.” Dr. Jennings added that the long-term psychological effects of decreased Facebook use are unclear, as the study had largely been conducted through polls and questionnaires on the UCB Psychology Department’s Facebook page.

— from The Onion, February 2, 2018

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