SCOTTSDALE, AZ—After a lifetime spent defining the sound of basketball in America, Roman Sullivan, the original voice of the NBA buzzer, passed away at the age of 83, sources confirmed Thursday. “Today, we mourn a longtime member of the NBA family. You always knew it was either the half or end of a game when you heard Mr. Sullivan’s deafening scream echo across the arena,” said commissioner Adam Silver of the NBA legend, who was employed as the live buzzer at Minneapolis Lakers games before recording the low, continuous humming in 1962 for use in arenas across the country. “Today’s generation of buzzer voices grew up imitating and wanting to be Mr. Sullivan, you can still hear his influence every time a quarter ends. Whether it was during Michael Jordan’s iconic game winner in 1993, or countless other buzzer-beaters, Roman’s voice is etched in NBA history.” Silver also apologized for the NBA relying on Sullivan for decades but only paying $150 for use of his iconic voice.
— The Onion, November 1, 2018
WASHINGTON—Forcefully closing his eyes, grasping his head with both hands, and repeatedly screaming to be left alone, a visibly anguished President Donald Trump was observed Thursday banning the ghost of his late father, Fred Trump, from the press room for silently pointing at him. “You will not stare and raise your finger at me like that, Father! I am the president of the United States no matter what you think! I make the rules now, and you mustn’t defy me!” said Trump, raking his fingers down his face and straining his voice until it cracked as he pointed to an empty corner of the room and commanded a group of baffled aides to remove his long-dead father. “This is a disgrace—there is no place in the White House for your judgment—get him out of here! And someone silence the voices, the thousands of voices. I can barely talk with their whispers filling my head, their laughter and whispers. Father, this is my house! Stop pointing at me!” White House maintenance staff said it would take at least a week to clean the walls of the West Wing hallway where Trump had scrawled the words “GO AWAY” hundreds of times in what seemed to be red paint.
— The Onion, November 8, 2018
ATHENS, GA—Saying that the data heralded a promising outcome for election day, representatives from Brian Kemp’s gubernatorial campaign were reportedly energized Thursday after perusing early voter suppression numbers. “It’s very exciting to see that with five days to go before the election, thousands of Georgians have already unsuccessfully attempted to cast their ballots,” said communications director Ryan Mahoney, noting that while these figures were not entirely predictive, they indicated a strong likelihood that the number of minority voters turned away at polling places would be extremely high on Nov. 6. “We still have our work cut out for us, obviously, but the more people who are prevented from casting mail-in or provisional ballots ahead of time, the more resources we can expend towards keeping down the vote next week. So far, our expectations have been wildly exceeded, and if these trends continue, we may be seeing suppression levels that haven’t been reached since the 1950s.” Mahoney also urged Republican voters in urban areas to assist the campaign by making a plan to intimidate their friends and neighbors this upcoming Tuesday.
— The Onion, October 25, 2018
WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a shooting at a Pittsburgh synagogue that left 11 people dead, President Donald Trump reportedly slammed the worldwide Jewish conspiracy Monday for not doing more to prevent the violent attack. “I condemn in the strongest possible terms the shadowy global cabal of Jewish people who, despite the fact that they control everything on Earth, weren’t even able to stop a single shooter,” said Trump in a press conference, adding that he didn’t understand why the worldwide Jewish conspiracy didn’t simply hypnotize the killer through the television or create a massive storm that would have stopped him from leaving his house. “This entire tragedy could have been avoided if the Jews had simply manipulated the global economy and the banks to ensure that the shooter didn’t have enough money to afford a gun or ammunition. It is an absolute shame that the worldwide Jewish plot failed to telepathically communicate the imminent danger to the people in the building, or use their minds to erect an invisible, impenetrable barrier around the entire synagogue.” Trump ended his speech by calling for unity in the worldwide Jewish conspiracy to prevent future anti-Semitic hate crimes with their mystical powers.
— The Onion, October 29, 2018